How do you get away from your lense not wanting to focus in the dark?

every now and then i have that problem. in a dark room my camera/lens does not know where to focus. it focuses in and out and my flash "flutters" until it finally finds the subject and the shutter releases and my flash fires. does that make sense?

What type of camera...a small point n shoot auto-focus (only) or, do you have the option of a manual focus over ride. The red fluttering from the flash as you described is, an inferred beam assisting the auto-focusing mechanism.

Yes, the "fluttering flash" is assisting the auto-focus to find the subject in the dark.

Sometimes you can have someone in the dark hold a match or penlight and you can focus on it quicker, but that is not always practical.

If you have an SLR, you can always manualy focus the image.

If you have a DSLR like a Nikon D series or a Canon EOS series, you can turn off the auto-focus on the camera body or on the lens itself. Prefocus your lens to the spot where your subject(s) will be, if possible.

Depending on the model, you may have to find a way to turn the autofocus off in your point & shoot digital camera.

It sound like your camera has a focus assist light. If not, then the 'flutter' you mention could also be the red eye reduction preflash that many camera systems offer. If you don't want that, set the flash setting to the icon of the lightning bolt, without the 'eye' symbol.