Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
Alcoholics:
don't worry where the next drink is coming from.
Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDonalds:
Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Women:
Don't waste energy faking orgasms.
Most men couldn't give a sh!t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.
Music Lovers:
Don't waste money on expensive ipods.
Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Cinema goers:
Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p!ss before the film starts.
Rappers:
Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen.
Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine ?
Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
Soldiers:
Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
Murderers:
Need to dispose of a body ? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL.
You will never see it again.
Burglars:
When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
Employers:
Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
Blind People:
Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed.
In the morning, simply move it all back again Good, did you think of these yourself? What great tips!! sorry.. it may be my sense of humour....... but were most of them supposed to be funny?????? tip top top tips. haha NICE! esp. the last 4!
About women faking orgasms:) why do they do that? Don't they know that an orgasm is just like intelligence? - Easy to spot out, impossible to fake and get away with it. Nice tips again!! well funny..your really thinking laterally.. So, you copied from Viz. What exactly is your question? Stop stealing material from Viz you Tosser. Thoses were good thax for the laugh Nice nice.
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