Is it tacky/rude to demote my maid of honor?

I wish I could do it w/o her knowing! She has a lot going on, and there are factors like, she lives in another state, less than a two hour drive, but I do see her twice a month traveling for business. She has a kid and a job and a significant other, so I'm really relying on my future mother in-law and two bridesmaids(related to me), to help w/details, etc...I am getting married this Sept. The only thing I've actually asked her to do is to find out about the potential photographer, as he is a family friend of hers. I've asked twice over the course of two months, and now I'm just feeling annoyed. Thoughts?

Thanks for the input. I should have mentioned that I've tried to talk w/her and let her off the hook with any obligations, a couple times already. She has insisted that she wants to help- so that's where the frustration comes in. Just say what you mean and do what you say, ya know? Anyway, I just won't sweat it so hard, and accept her limitations on this one, I suppose.

If all others are related to you
and she was the only friend you
originally wanted, keep her in and
let the relatives involved to most of
the planning. True friends are hard
to find, so keep her by letting her
be in the wedding.

Well you knew she had a busy life before you asked her. Maybe you should have thought about this.

I think it's rude to go back on your offer. It almost sounds like you want to punish her for being too busy to help. Since you have other people to help you there is no reason to hurt her feelings. Just keep things the way they are and don't worry about it so much.

Call her and get the number of the potential photographer. Ask her if the MOH position is too much for her to handle and if she would prefer to be just a bridesmaid. If she claims that it's not too much, remind her of the responsibilities of a MOH and tell her that you would appreciate a little more help. If she can get a hold of the photographer, why don't you set a date with her to go talk to him and get her to stick to it? Just gently remind her of the responsibility. If she can't handle it then she needs to bow out gracefully. Take care and good luck!

Depending on what her personality is she may take it differently. If she's real laid back she might not care, if she's uptight she may just get mad and drop out of the wedding all together. If it were just me I would ask her simply "I know you are very busy but I need help, would you be more comfortable if I chose someone else for MOH so you won't be burdened?" She'll probably get the hint and either step down or start helping.

It's tacky and rude to demote her without telling her.

talk to her and let her know that it seems her life is busy and she's not able to help out like you thought she could, so you'd like her to be a bridesmaid. It could end the friendship.

OR

you can look for a new photographer. Promote another bridesmaid to maid of honor and have 2 maids of honor. Get someone who is local to you and actually able to help you. Let the far off maid of honor know that you really need help but you understand that she is busy and can't help you, so you've appointed a second maid of honor.

I understand your frustrations, but you should have known what type of person she was and her lifestyle (and how far she lived from you) BEFORE you asked her to be your Maid of Honor - right? I think it would be rude to just demote her without giving her a fair chance.

Maybe you should have a heart to heart with her and ask her if she really still wants to be Maid of Honor. Tell her that you just don't want to put too much pressure on her knowing that she has other life obligations and that you would still love her to be in your wedding. Or you could choose to be firm and just tell her that if she doesn't have the photographer info by a certain date, you will have someone else be Maid of Honor that can handle the responsibilities.

Tell her just what you said here. Ask her if she can take the time it needs to be your maid of honor. If she says, no, then
you need to do something. If her only job is the photographer and she knows him, then it should not be a problem. But the best thing is communication and the venting of your feelings to her. If she is a good friend she will understand your anxiety.

My sister demoted me from MOH to just a "helper" to have people sign into the register and all that. BUT I was 34 weeks pregnant and had preeclampsia, so I completely understood. Unless it is something like that, I don't think you should do it without talking to her about it first. Just ask her if she would like some of the bridesmaids to help out too.

The same thing happened to me and it was a nightmare that went on for months.....things will never be the same regardless of what decision you make.
If I had to do it over again I would just tell her that plans had to be changed, you did not want to upset her or yourself with the details but hoped she would be one of your bridesmaids.
Frankly, you are not losing much of a friend.

Regardless of whether she's helping with what you want her to or not, you still already asked her to be your maid of honor. It's her main job to stand up with you at the wedding and witness your marriage, not really to help you out with random wedding duties. Ask someone local to be your personal attendant--they are supposed to help with that stuff.

Yes, it's tacky. It's not the MOH's responsibility to contact the photographer friend or not. It's you and your fiance's responsibility. Only the two of you will know if he's the one you want or not. To expect her to handle the photographer is unreasonable. With her being out of town, I wouldn't expect anything from her. Be glad you have your future MIL and two bridesmaids to help. My DH and I had to do all the work ourselves.

Yeah, I think it's a little rude because you should have considered this BEFORE you asked her to be your moh.

And what would you accomplish or gain by doing so except show people that you are capable of being spiteful when annoyed? Quietly ask others to give you a bit more help and let his lady have her moment of glory whether she actually "earns" it or not.