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| *SoulEyes Photography>>>Photo Essays |
*** Could somebody pls edit my essay ***? |
Pls give me comment, suggestion鈥tc Where do I need to improve? Essay Question: http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=... Marking Criteria: http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=... My Essay (p.1) http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=... My Essay (p.2) http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=... My Essay (p.3) http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=... Thanks n Love u all :x Yes, I HATE having had to do essays [here in the USA], but here we go... I find that your paragraphs are too long. Paragraphs should only be 4 to 5 sentences long; the main statement of your paragraphs should lead first, with the facts to follow. Uh, in the 3rd part, your statements about "the roles of women..." and "women participating..." need to go at the beginning and the other part follow as facts for proof. My BEST suggestion is to proofread every paragraph to yourself. Each sentence needs to be re-worded to mean the same thing, but with fewer and more appropriate words. Your sentences are good, but could be stronger by rearranging the wording. Read each sentence to yourself and listen to what you've stated. Can it be better? Be sure to use your thesaurus for better words. It's a tough assignment, an essay, but you are having a pretty good start! Remember,each paragraph needs that strong statement followed by your facts. Make an outline with "A" being your leading statement and "1.", "2." and "3." being your facts to support that statement. Your conclusion needs to restate with a sentence or 2 a bit on each paragraph's topic, with your own beliefs, and follow by a convincing conclusion that is related to your topic. You can search the 'net for 'outlining an essay' for more information if you haven't already. I hadn't noticed any reference marks, so I'm supposing you haven't done them yet? You say that "so-and-so" states..."Blah-blah..", but I didn't see any mention from what source those references were from. My best of luck to you! |
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