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How do I find a meaning in life when I can't have or adopt children? What is there to do? |
At this point in my life, I am unable to have children of my own for various reasons, but since that is all I have wanted for most of my life, I feel suddenly empty and without focus. I have a hobby that I enjoy - photography, and a meaningful job as a social worker. I have a partner and a big family on her side to spend time with. But there is a big hollow spot inside, and I am wondering so much what my child would have been like, if I had been able to have one. I feel like the anticipation for tomorrow and the hope and mystery have gone, and that I am now just plodding through, day after day. Like you, I am unable to have children and due to financial reasons I chose not to adopt. I was in my 30's then and am 50 now. At first this was very hard for me, and for many reasons: in the context of my family, including siblings and cousins, I am the only one who does not have children or grandchildren, and in the ongoing continuum of life, my genes, heritage and legacy stop with me once I die. I was very depressed for a while and felt like a failure. I felt, if truth be told, that I was less than a woman and of little value in life. Like you, I was just plodding through. I eventually turned myself around when I realized I was as much of a woman as those who could bear children, and that by being actively present in the lives of my great nieces (and others) I could leave my own legacy. I do my best to help others throughout the course of their lives (one of the reasons why I participate in Answers) by being emotionally generous and helpful - I share a part of who I am to let others know that others have walked similar paths in life and "got through it". I am a supportive and giving friend to my friends, colleagues and so forth. I belong to some support groups on line to help others on their path. Next in store? Perhaps I will volunteer as a Big Sister or something like that. You might want to consider volunteering for a needy children's group, or perhaps you and your partner can become foster parents. The key is to know that you aren't a failure because you can't have children, but rather that you are equally valuable to others and have much to contribute. For me, doing what I have done for the past 20 years has helped me tremendously. I no longer feel that ache and feel satisfied with what I can do and offer, regardless of my status as a childless woman. With every best wish on your path! Volunteer with Big Brother/Big Sister, many kids need a little help and friendship. It's a wonderful program, I was a big sister and later my son had a big brother. |
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