How would you handle this...?

My BIL (fiance) keeps downgrading extravagant weddings bc she & my BIL are having a very low key beach wedding. It's almost like she feels nice big weddings are wrong. I got married on 5-3 & my SIL got married 5-15 4 yrs ago...and everytime she makes rude comments we both get offended-- what is a tactful way to say--YOU'RE BEING RUDE TO PEOPLE THAT WANTED & HAD THAT TYPE OF A WEDDING?

My Hubby feels perhaps she's jealous that they can't afford a big wedding so it's her way for justifying their low key Wedding w/o saying that. But I don't get it...why downgrade others to make yourself feel better? I respect everyone has different idea's of perfect--to eachs own...but downgrade to a professional photographer & videographer is ignorant.

Her Wedding is going to have about 20-25 people.

while keeping in mind it probably is jealousy- maybe just say, well everyone has a perfect wedding in their mind, and its just so funny how different they can be to each person! this could keep it light-hearted while showing her that you obviously dont feel the same way.

also- i dont think its a matter of "better than" in either circumstance- everyone just has different ideas!

I agree, she is probably jealous. My only advice to you, is to let it just roll off our back. If you got married and had a good time at your wedding that is all that matters. I had a roommate in college who was not happy unless she was miserable, or making others miserable. Small people justify what they say in their minds, and make it right, even if it is not so. Do not try to fight it out, it will just make you more upset, and probably give her the thrill of knowing she got to you.

You just say, I think it's great that there are so many ways to get married! I'm glad you're having the beach wedding you want, but I'm so thrilled we had the wedding we did-it was the day of my dreams.

If she can't take a cue from that and keep her comments to herself, just realize she's clueless and don't give her comments a minute more of thought.

Perhaps she is jealous, envious of others. That's her problem. I'd say a tactful way of telling her to knock it off could be...
Oh, hell! I'd just tell her that I love her ideas for her wedding, but that they aren't the way that you would go, and since you don't denigrate her feelings and tastes, she shouldn't do it to others.

Whatever she is feeling, she is definitely being rude. You could either ignore her or tell her gently it hurts your feelings when she goes on downgrading the style of wedding you had.

She could be jealous because she can't afford a huge wedding, that's a possibility. Or, she might truly think they are a huge waste of money, regardless of whether she can afford one or not.

My question is .. Is she just stating her opinion and you are being overly sensitive? I am not a big wedding/reception kind of person... to be perfectly honest I think they are a waste of money and torture on so many people. I have been honest about my opinion with many people - I did not do it to tell them they are wrong but just in the course of normal discussions... I seriously do not understand how anyone can justify spending 30 - 100K on 1 day - it just doesn't make sense to me no matter how much $$ you have.

So I say - look to her true motives, may just be her stating her opinion which she is as entitled to as you are.

I know exactly what you're going through. I'm getting married next year and a good friend of mine CONSTANTLY down-talks my plans...saying that I'm wasting my money and I don't know what I'm doing. She's just upset that other people are doing things better than she did them, and this girl is doing the same. Best way to handle this? Ignore her. She just wants the attention.

It proabably is jealousy. Next time she make a comment though, you could say something like, "Well, I think that everyone should have the type of wedding that they want. You are having yours, and I had mine. It's a good thing that not everyone does the same thing... that would be boring."

some brides are annoying but she probably just wants to be the center of attention like many brides and feels that she can not compete if I were you when she says these things I would just leave the room I am not she why so many brides feel like it is a competition if you are marring the right man you have all ready one if not the weding will not make you happy good luck and I am sorry that she feels the need to compete instead of share the day with the two of you this is the kind of sibling rivalry that makes it difficult to be Friends

Some people's brains don't work that way. With most of us it's "There's nothing WRONG with anchovies on pizza, but I personally don't like them." But with others it will always be "Anchovies are disgusting and anyone who thinks they taste good is obviously deficient in taste and possibly a moron."

With these people you have to be charitable and assume that no malice is intended unless they SPECIFY that malice and offence ARE intended. In the interest of getting along you are AMUSED rather than offended at this person's indiosyncracy and accept it as slightly annoying yet also endearing personality trait -- not a tendency toward evil.

That is, you act as a large and not a petty person. Only small petty people take offence where no offence is intended. Stop being petty and it will stop bothering you.

Hi. Just brush it off as "opinionated."

You know what? I am finding that out about EVERYTHING in life....people downgrade others because they don't want to do the same thing (or cannot afford it.)

Example: we had neighbors over for the 4th. We (my husband, myself, and adult children/spouses) are going on a cruise in a few weeks. Others at the party say...."oh I would NEVER go on a cruise!" Mind you they have never tried it...never will....they sit in their houses and veg. I feel like saying..."well....don't then!" I get so angry myself as I don't state my opinion strongly enough. I simply said "well...we are really looking forward to it!"

I think weddings fall into the same category as "life happenings." Seems like your future SIL is trying to build herself up by downgrading others, which I think is totally rude.

My husband and I are always happy for others! Hey, if you want to sit in your house and veg for your life....so be it! If you want to have a big wedding....good for you! If you want to have a small wedding...good for you! Why do people feel they need to compare THEIR lives with others and put down others for what they have done or are going to do? I really do not get it.

Hey....I like big weddings and I like low-key weddings. All of them are different. I'm not even sure if your BIL and future SIL ARE jealous. They simply seem opinionated and are seeking others approval.

Next time say....."hey Sally, I think what you have planned sounds fun! And, I think the wedding I had was fun. You shouldn't try to compare or put down others." Leave it at that.

Your husband is probably right - sounds like she is just jealous because she cannot afford to have a big wedding.
If she keeps saying it and it keeps bothering you then you could say something like, "I know that you like having a low-key wedding, but I did have a bigger wedding and it feels like you are putting me down when you say that." See how she reacts to that. She might not realize she is really offending you.
Your wedding was the way that you wanted it and her wedding will be the way she wants it. Can't always agree on everything...and some people don't always have a lot of tact.

I think everyone should just have a wedding that reflects their personal taste and fits their budget, and not worry about anyone else's wedding. However, it is easy to fall into the trap of badmouthing bigger, more extravagant weddings, and making your own tiny wedding look more meaningful by comparison out of jealousy or fear of not being able to keep up with the Joneses. I must admit, I have sort of done that once or twice myself. I am having a wedding that is quite small compared to the weddings my friends are throwing this year, but it really has to do with mine and my fiance's personal taste- we have never liked big, formal weddings, and even if we had all the money in the world, we wouldn't change how we're planning to do our wedding. Even though it truly will be my dream wedding, and I am not envious of my friends' bigger, more elaborate celebrations, I sometimes find myself trying to prove that my wedding is "what it's really all about," and talking all the time about the evil Wedding Industry and how many starving children in Africa could be fed with the money it takes to throw one average wedding, blah blah blah. For me, I think all the self-righteousness is a defense mechanism because I'm afraid people will think I'm poor or unable to throw a wedding like my friends' weddings, and that couldn't be farther from the truth. I just have different priorities and prefer more low-key, casual celebrations, but I think I sometimes try to make it look like my friends who are having the big weddings are throwing their money away, etc. I know it's wrong, but that's kind of what accidentally happens when people start comparing and contrasting your wedding plans with those of your friends or family members. Maybe your SIL is sick of hearing from other relatives about how beautiful your wedding was, or maybe when you're not around, they compare her wedding with yours unfavorably and she's jealous or hurt. Anyway, if it really bugs you, I'd say talk to her about it and let her know that everyone is free to celebrate their own wedding as they see fit, but since you both got married 4 years ago, it may be time to let it go.